He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
