Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
