Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
