Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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