I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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