Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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