if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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