Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
