I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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