Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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