this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
