im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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