I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
