She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
