Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
