I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
