i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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