So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
