On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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