apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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