I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
