So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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