When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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