I can text with my tongue
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
