Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
