STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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