So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
