Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
