Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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