I think I won the penis lottery.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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