Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
