im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
