theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
