ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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