In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
