Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
