That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I can text with my tongue
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm both gender and math confused
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
