Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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