the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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