I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
