my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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