Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
