Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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