Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
