So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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