Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
This house was built for laser tag.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
