Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
