he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
