Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
