don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
