i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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