R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
